Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
