Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
