She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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