Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
