I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
