This house was built for laser tag.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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