my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
