What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
