You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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