i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
