i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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