the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize