I just gift wrapped bread.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
