Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
