So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
