wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
