Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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