I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
