Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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