We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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