I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
