Your face is a jimmy john
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My penis needs a shock collar
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
