First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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