I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize