She is in my trunk
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
