dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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