Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
