We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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