this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
