What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
