You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
