I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
