I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
