70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
