Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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