you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize