someone owes me an orgasm
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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