You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
