Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The adults are the big ones right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
