Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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