I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
