dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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