he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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