I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
