The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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