I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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