I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
