I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
