Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
