Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
