Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize