You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
