We won't sleep together?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
