i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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