i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize