she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
