Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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