im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
