I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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