I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
