I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
