i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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