I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
